Home…an Update

The world keeps on turning, and Dad and I have managed to re-enter our lives at home without Mom. I will be spending weekends with him in Yankton for the foreseeable future, mostly because I really love our time together. The undercurrent is always there… knowing that we have walked every step of this whole thing with Mom right beside each other. We can talk about things if we choose to, or we can be in silence, and everything in between. It’s very comforting to just be in the same space. I am so grateful for the moments of peace we are finding in our time together. He misses her so very much. <we all do>

Amy and I ‘celebrated’ our birthday over the weekend, and it was just the strangest and emptiest feeling to wake up on that day and not have Mom there. We have told and retold the story of our complicated birth sooooo many times over the years, and I know that despite the complications and fear that accompanied our arrival in this world, the day we were born was one the most joyful days of my parents’ lives. Our family has always loved huge and celebrated life’s moments <big and small> together. It was so disconcerting not to hear her laugh or feel her arms around me. Many friends said the “firsts” are the worst, so I hope the pain subsides with time. I don’t ever want to forget the escapades and special family time that A & B’s arrival day brought to our family. How lucky am I to have lived this story? 

Dad keeps his walks going, so if you are seeing him out and about walking in Yankton, be sure to say hello! He walks and he thinks, and he enjoys chatting with friends when he is out on his neighborhood jaunts. I’m doing yoga for grief support, some reading and exercising, but honestly, I’m doing a terrible job of standing in the pain and working through it. I recognize that I will need some solitude and a lot of crying to keep moving in my grief journey. I wish life allowed for that! #workingonit

Jonah asked me this weekend if Gramma Celia was having a tea party with God up in Heaven, and if they were sharing cookies. I kind of love the idea of Mom sipping tea and eating scones with our Heavenly Father. I think a lot about how this profound loss has challenged me in my faith and my life. There is no question that my faith has deepened. Words on the page or in the abstract came to life through this entire experience, and understanding how Spirit is within us all has been extremely powerful.

 I’ve always told mothers-to-be that there is an amazing moment once the bebe is born where all the pain and chaos blurs away and it feels like God himself hands you that little life.  I now know that in the final moments of life, when all the pain and chaos blurs away, it feels like God himself holds that last, trembling breath in His hand. These are such incredibly sacred spaces to occupy, and I am forever changed by being present in those moments. I felt the Spirit that binds us all, and I know that in every moment Love surrounds us. 

So at this point in the journey, I think I’m the textbook picture of grief and mourning. My sad heart is so full of gratitude for the gorgeous tapestry that has been woven with all the threads of people, experiences, and memories in my life. While it was hard to come home to our physical space without Mom in it, I feel strength in knowing that she is Home, sipping tea with the Big Guy and waiting to celebrate all of our arrivals in the Next. One day at a time…we will all find our way Home. ❤