Sunday Thoughts

I am struggling to write tonight, but I think that is when it is most important that I get words onto the page, so here we go.

I have my physical tomorrow, and I just finished reviewing all of Mom’s medical records so I can discuss everything with my provider. It is overwhelming from every angle. It is hard to read the doctor’s notes from the appointments where it was apparent things were going so very wrong. It is so upsetting to see how clinical and unemotional the notes are when those were some of the most devastating moments of our entire lives. The dissonance is crushing in ways I can’t quite explain.

Dad and I talked this weekend about how surreal it felt to lose Mom so quickly. We really thought when the doctors identified the cancer recurrence, we would have a chance to fight it.  It overwhelms all of us to look back and wonder about the “what ifs” that could have changed the outcome, at least to some degree. We went from not knowing the cancer was back to losing her in 7 weeks time. It is still so difficult to wrap our brains around the speed with which things fell apart. 

I keep thinking that I will find my footing and start to feel a little more emotionally stable. So far, I think that out of control feeling is getting worse instead of better. There is a “losing her” feeling that is worsening. I long for her touch, her laugh, her voice, her scent…the shuffle of her slippers around the house. All of it. Every time I am in Yankton I feel like those things fade away just a little more. It sends my brain reeling. I can’t begin to explain what it does to my heart. 

I know all the things we say <and truly  believe> about separation being an illusion, our loved ones always being with us, we will see them again someday, etc. etc. But none of those things take away the utter despair of missing someone who you loved your whole life. The silence…the loneliness…the longing for one more moment in her presence. I have yet to figure out a way to navigate through that deep pain of a daughter’s heart who yearns for her sweet mama. I want her to hold me again and tell me it will be okay. I want to lay my head on her chest and have her explain to me how we are supposed to keep going without her. I want her to teach me how to find joy when my heart is broken. I don”t think I will ever, ever stop needing my mom. 

As always, I am so grateful for the people in my world who love me in such beautiful ways. It is truly unbelievable to me the kindness and genuine concern that are given so freely. Many of these days right now seem insurmountable, but all these angels keep pulling us through. I can never adequately express my gratitude. 

I am learning that a broken heart can still feel love and gratitude…I am hoping that at some point this broken heart will also find some peace.