To Grief

I write this note to say
I wish I had known how large
You would loom in my days
As I settled into contentedness

I’ve known you for many years
But not like I know you now
Losses one by one
Stacked by the front door
Too young to grasp the meaning
Or comprehend
The bullseye you could score

A lingering shadow on brighter days
Washing over me but eventually receding
To let me breathe again

But not this time
You are my constant companion
Never more than a whisper away
From my memories
My soul
You filter sunlight in spring mornings
You brush my cheek when I dare to sleep
Waking me to the starkness of alone
Lonely
Always present
Never adding to the moment
Just stealing every tiny teardrop
That carried happiness
And light

And now I’m understanding
That I will never live without you
Again
And you will revisit me sooner
Not later
Often, even
And bring your brand of melancholy
To my table
Turning me inside out and
Shattering my breath

I don’t know how to share the space
Or welcome you in
Since we now must live together
Til the end

Then I remember your silhouette
Was once beauty that pulled me in
Rocked me gently
Held my hand
Kissed my head
And showed me
The purest love

And I wither to think that love
Could come to this despair
Please
I need to see the face
That formed you
The love that shaped your
Being and
Brought us to this moment

Remind me that you were once
The deepest place in my heart
Before you break it
Break me
again