Mother’s Day 2023

Hi Mom.

It’s Mother’s Day weekend, and I’m sitting here this morning surrounded by Things to Hold You Close. We used essential oil and music during our last weeks together, and this is the first time I’ve brought those out to transport me back to those last days with you. It is comforting to find memories of you in the scent and sounds of peace and love, but at the same time there is a brutality to it. I start to relax…and then I remember. My brain still can’t wrap around you being gone.

I promise we are doing our best to carry on. It’s just not easy! I’m so grateful for this family you created, and the fact that our time together was always, always a top priority. But your absence at all things family-related is glaring. We miss you so much, Mom. It never really goes away.

I hope you hear me talking to you. I honestly don’t know what else to do at times, and telling you all my thoughts seems to help. I am pretty sure I know what you would say about most of it, but I would still love to hear you say it with extra emphasis on how much you have my back. I always loved how unequivocally you were on my side, no matter what. I really do appreciate how much it shaped our lives to know that you loved us and believed in us no matter what. What an absolute gift to your children, your granddaughters, Jonah…we are all stronger, better people because of that.

I also hope you see us trying to do this life thing the best we can, Mom. I’m pretty sure you saw Amy’s musical, and I hope you are hanging out with Dad when he goes on his walks. I feel like you are with me when I go to yoga with Colleen, and I trust you can see how much my downward facing dog has improved. Eilish is pouring so much love and joy into Jonah-man, and their world is busy and beautiful. Not going to lie, it crushed me that you weren’t in the room to witness Emelia and Podge’s tiny wedding. They didn’t have a greater cheerleader in this world than Grandma Celia, and it was excruciating to do that day without you by our side. We raise a lot of toasts to you, sweet Mama. I hope you pause in Heaven to clink your glass with us all.

So now we have arrived at Mother’s Day. My social media has been filled with memories of past Mother’s Day weekends, and it is a gut punch to see our joyful time together with absolutely no sense of what was coming our way months later. I feel like I’m stuck between the before-you-were-gone and the after-you-were-gone, and my brain struggles to make sense of it all. I feel like I am always out of step with the world around me, and I don’t know if that will change. The hole in my world still keeps me off balance. I know that is part of grieving, so I’m trying to find my way in this after-you-were-gone life. I just wish you could hold my hand for this part.

For now, I am sending prayers of gratitude to you on Mother’s Day. Thank you for teaching me how to raise a couple of free-spirited daughters, and how to live a life filled with joy and passion. I count my blessings every day that I was lucky enough to love you and be loved by you. I will always, always need you, Mama…and I will always, always miss you. I promise we will do our best to keep carrying on, and I promise I will write again soon. I love you to Jupiter and back.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Xoxoxo,
Bethytwin