One month ago today we said farewell to our sweet mama. It is honestly hard to say whether time is flying by or standing still. Time as we knew it stopped making sense during the entire experience of losing her. Days were measured in the timing for administering medications or checking her vitals. Hours seemed like days, and weeks felt like minutes. It still feels that way one month later.
In an experience that was full of awful moments, it is safe to say the last day was the worst. None of us want to personally endure pain and struggle, but I swear it was far more difficult to witness it with Mom than it would have been to endure it ourselves. Her struggle that day eventually lessened, and when she passed into Spirit she was at peace and surrounded by gentle love. For that we are grateful.
Shortly after her death, we made the decision to get to Hawaii together as a family, and that has been a good call. We are in familiar places filled with strong memories of Celia’s beautiful presence. This is a second home to our family, and the change of routine and scenery has been good for our souls. Nature is a healing force, and it helps as we are gradually trying to find our way out of the numb, sad, and lonely spaces that are still so pervasive. There are glimmers of hope, but the weight of sadness still largely controls our days. We know it will improve with time, so for now, we are just trying to take small steps forward with every sunrise.
People keep saying, “you need to process your grief.” I feel at this point I need more detailed instructions on how that works. BE REALLY SPECIFIC. Dad and I walk the beach and talk, or sit under the stars and talk, and to be sure, we are trying to process things. It still catches me off guard when I go into the house and she’s not there, or I want to tell her about something and realize I can’t. Those are gut punch moments, and all processing ceases while I teeter on the edge of collapse. Mom had an enormous presence in all of our lives, and her absence is glaring right now.
I know there are many milestones ahead, and I know from the wisdom of many friends that those will always be difficult days. So many people have reached out with suggestions for these raw and painful early days of sitting with our sadness. There just aren’t enough ways to express my gratitude for those who have bravely shared their stories. Grief is universal, but our experiences with loss are deeply personal. The vulnerability and love which so many have shared has truly changed my world. We can lift each other up on the road we are traveling together. Even during the pain…maybe especially during the pain…we can pass on our love and light to others on the journey. Love will get us through.
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To Live In This World... 
Yes. Time is NOT the same anymore. The plodding, perfect metronome is always ticking, but I am dancing in and out of what feels like complete stillness to freight train speed. It’s very disorienting as I try to strategize my days. I have also developed a new sensitivity for how fleeting we are…everything is…and it’s opened a door to a haunting sense of meaninglessness. I know the trick will be to step away from that door and create a meaningful, intentional life, but that feels like an overwhelming challenge at the moment. I know people do it. They get there. But how do they do it exactly? I would please like a training manual. ❤ Love you very much, Bethy, even if that only means something to you and me. ❤
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The meaningless feeling has settled in for me as well. ❤️ All I want to do is be with my people because it seems like nothing else matters. This is NOT a good place to be emotionally with a new semester starting soon! I just think we have to learn to live in the upside down now, Sissy. New rules, new joys, new sadness…all of it familiar yet different somehow. I love you so much. 🤍
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Going back to everyday life is so hard. You just want to scream “don’t you know I have lost so much?” And the dizzying sense of “normalcy” all around you while you feel so out of place with that. But people move on and that is when it is the hardest. This year of “firsts”…
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I totally hear you on the normalcy part! The world burned down, and people just keep on keeping on. Such an odd disconnect from reality. I have appreciated your wisdom and perspectives to help guide us, friend. Much love to you! 🤍
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You two don’t need to worry about meaningless lives! You BOTH have impacted my life in so many positive ways starting from 7th grade to still now! Amy, you may not know it, but you made a huge impact on my life when we were in Hawaii. I used the term “gay” with inappropriately, and felt like it wasn’t a big deal cause it just means “dumb.” You were kind and shared with me why my thinking was wrong and it made me see things differently, helped me develop empathy, and be a better human. Not to mention your encouragement and non-judgemental guidance as I thoroughly butchered poetic interpretations in high school! And, you supported me during grad school by helping me see how you applied what I was learning to your classroom. That is 25+ years of impact on just my life and hopefully I’ll have the opportunity to pass some of that forward. And I haven’t even started on thinking how Beth has influenced me!
You are both leading meaningful lives that are rippling positive affects farther than you realize!
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I hope you know how much you are loved by the Wonder Twins. I enjoyed our chat the other day, I am loving watching you be the best father, husband, teacher…all of it. I love you, Richard. Thanks for being there always! ❤
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It’s been a year and 3 months since my mom passed from breast cancer and I to this day still don’t know what it means to process all the grief. What’s been the hardest for me is that everyone’s life has continued on, but mine somehow stopped to an extent the day my mom died. Days are a little better but the pain is still very much there and will be this side of Heaven. You keep doing you, collapse if you have to, feel the feels, and the joys in the memories, and know you are not alone!
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I’ve thought of you so often during all of this, Charia. I followed your mom’s story and there were some definite parallels in our mothers’ experiences. I SO admire how you have openly shared your pain, your faith…your story. You are truly an inspiration. 🤍 Hope you can feel the love and hugs I am sending your way. 🙏
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