Dear Mom,

It seems so strange not talking to you about things, so I thought I would just say hello and catch you up.  Let’s start with the obvious…we miss you more than we could ever put into words. There wasn’t a decision made, a conversation had, or a memory discussed that you didn’t weigh in on. You always wanted to know what we were up to, and we were happy to oblige.  I miss talking to you so much about Jonah and the girls. And Henry. And the birds. And what topics they discussed on 60 Minutes and CBS Sunday Morning. And all the rest of it.

As you know, I’m staying with Dad for now. I wish I could report that he’s doing alright, but he’s going through the motions right now. You two always functioned as a team, and he doesn’t really know what to do with himself. I can see the sadness in him. He carries it every minute of every day. Even when we walk and talk, I can feel the weight of deep loss he is carrying. He just loved you so much, Mama. He still feels like we might come into the house and you will be there waiting for him, and he still wonders out loud if you will go dancing with him.  My heart aches knowing how he misses you and knowing that I can’t make that pain go away.

I can’t change things for him emotionally, but I am making sure he is eating right, hydrating, and exercising. I can sometimes get him to eat a little extra pie or ice cream if I’m sneaky about it. Henry spends a lot of time watching over him, and our walks are certainly more eventful with the euphoric dog leading the way. Every morning I want to show you our sunrise pictures and have you declare the newest picture the BEST one ever. I imagine that you are right there with us in the sunrises already though, and that is comforting in a way.

The girls are doing their things, and I’m so incredibly grateful that you knew they were brilliant, beautiful, and really happy before everything went wrong in our world. You knew a thing or two about raising strong women, and we are so fortunate that you sprinkled your will and wisdom into our lives. You also taught me how important it was to fall in love with your adult children, and I think of that every time I’m in the presence of my daughters. Family really is the most important thing, so to build a world that celebrates the love throughout every stage of life is pretty cool. I also think you have some kind of herding dog DNA back in your family bloodline, because honestly, you were never completely happy until we were all together in your presence. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a song, or read a passage, or smelled a flower, or eaten something delicious and wanted to tell you about it. I hope that you are sensing the prayers I send your way with little messages about geckos, banana cream pie, Heliconia flowers, and Bruddah Iz. I swear there are things every hour that I want to discuss with you, and it hurts my heart when I can’t just dial you up or snuggle in next to you. Please pay close attention when Dad and I are by the ocean or under the stars, Mama. We are always sending you our little love messages, and I imagine you are far out beyond where my eyes can see but where you can feel those heart songs being sent your way.

I was thinking about the humpback whales this week when there was a news story about Yo-Yo Ma going sailing on Hokulea and playing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” for the humpback whales off the Big Island. Perhaps you will remember a morning in Maui not long ago when I was playing whale songs to awaken you all for sunrise? Dad laughed. You and Emelia didn’t. But humpback whales create a different song for every creature they meet! They have songs for other kinds of whales, one for dolphins, and they even tried to create a song so they could communicate with a dog. They change their music so the other creatures can understand them. 

 I think that’s what you and I need to do. We need to change our song now so that we can hear each other in a new way. You are the most musically gifted person I know, so I can’t wait to hear what you come up with…and in the meantime, I will be singing whale songs under the stars for you. 

Please hurry if you can. I’m sure you have a lot going on with all our beloveds who were waiting for you in Heaven, but it sure would be nice to know that we can still sing to each other in our own way. I miss you more than I can say. I think I told you a million times, but I will tell you a million more…I love you, Mom. Thank you for loving us and for giving us this beautiful life.  I’ll be waiting. ❤ 

xoxoxo Bethy