Self Care or a Lack Thereof**

I really admire people who have figured out the self care battle. They seem to cruise through whatever life throws at them,  getting their workouts in, eating healthy, hydrating, meditating, finding time for themselves and ways to slow down…and I would like to make it very clear that I am not one of those people.  

Last weekend I absolutely smashed into the wall of despair. Just rammed into it and ended up mostly nonfunctional/weeping for a good 48 hours. It felt like it came out of nowhere, but I know all the stressors are adding up, and I think I am carrying my dad’s pain right now in addition to my own. I spend every weekend with him, and I feel like I’m grieving his loss and loneliness at the same time I’m trying to process my own. It’s just a lot of emotional weight.

It was also mammogram week, and my poor, sweet mammogram tech… we had to update my health history to include all of Mom’s recurrence details, and it was just too much for my hurting heart. That sweet young woman ended up just hugging and hugging me while I cried. Thank goodness she was in my path.  I’m so grateful for the Ones Who Get It and look out for me right now. 

So, self care. How’s that going, Beth?  I signed up for a Yoga for Grief Support online course, and I’m three weeks behind on the assignments. I am working out sporadically when I have time. <and I’m not dealing with a crushed soul>  I hydrate when I remember that I’m supposed to, and I eat a LOT of carbs because at least those taste delicious. My sleep is a disaster, my house is a disaster, and I’m semi-functioning at work. I bought a bunch of books to help me better understand and process, but I have no focus to read them. I have tried to find something to watch, but can’t focus there either. Thus far the things that have ostensibly been good for my mental health have been: 

1. Getting coffee/wine/lunch/time with the Ones Who Get It;
2. The dogs, Henry and Alfie. Henry honestly saves me every single day, and having Alfie around too has been delightful. We dress up. <dogs in sweaters> We dance. We share toast. We snuggle. They just love so freely, and that is such a comfort.
3. Music. I can’t do anything sad or too reminiscent of Mom. Currently listening to a lot of Taylor Swift since her music formed the soundtrack to my daughters’ lives, and my daughters are pure joy in my heart.
4. Ridiculous Snapchat filters <to those of you who have received the ridiculous snaps…sorry, not sorry…those are my love language>
5. Those angels who reach out just to say, “Hey” and share a sweet thought or prayer. I am blessed by so many wonderful people in my world.

In short, I’m terrible at putting my own basic needs above anything else. I’m Enneagram 2 (The Helper) and a solid ENFP on the Myers-Briggs. I am good at reading people and helping them along their paths, but I am TERRIBLE at recognizing my own needs or asking for/receiving help from others. The Ones Who Get It have made valiant efforts to guide and assist me on my journey, but it just seems like there are never enough hours in the day to get All The Things done. I find I have zero ability to relax when All The Things are still sitting there waiting for me, and so I ignore my brain and body telling me to slooooow down. 

So what are you going to do about it, Beth? I find that I am craving solitude right now. I probably need to do some long drives or take a few days away and just focus on me. <if I say that out loud, maybe I will actually do it> The Enneagram 2 strongly resists stepping away from being needed by others, but I know I would be wise to remember my own needs in all of this. Listen to me…I know what to do, but I don’t do it! I am vowing to TRY. 

As I crashed into the wall over the weekend, my husband said, “Maybe it would help you to think about what your mom would want your self care to look like. She wouldn’t want you feeling this way, so what would she have done to help you change it?”  Isn’t that such a great way to think about things? So I am promising to spend some time in reflection about how my mom managed her own self care during her cancer journey. I know some of the answers, but knowing it and doing it are two different things. I need to create space in my mind and life to truly focus on healing my spirit. 

In the meantime, you can find me listening to Taylor Swift, scheduling coffee dates with beloved friends, sending silly snaps, meditating with the dogs, and generally trying to find my way along this path without hitting that wall of despair again. I’m grateful to be on this journey with people who love me through all of it and continually remind me that deep sorrow comes from great love…and that healing takes time. 

**This message has been brought to you by one who is bravely, but awkwardly, turning her focus inward and will report back soon on her success/failure at improved self care.